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Thoughts and Journal Fragments
Lost in the mists of time
13 April 2009
Once there were hope and nightingales' songs. There were citadels made of dreams and moonlight. But like so many other things, they have been lost in the mists of time. The sky fosters a bitter silence that comes from soulless stars and fallow gardens. The sorrow stained clouds will remain. And I know everything is unreal, but I just want to feel. The emptiness keeps breaking my heart. And I break the mirrors. You shouldn't look at my reflection. The tears I hide, the darkness deep inside - you can never know.
If only...
I fall asleep underneath ceilings full of dust and cobwebs. In rooms with locked windows, without doors. Strangers lay next to me. Whisper my name. I send them away before dawn.
During the twilight hours, I usher the last stars back on their sky, a sky that does not care for me. That it does not know of me. I wish I could sing. There are so many things I'd be able to tell you. If you visit me in my dreams, I will show you.
Floating
Sometimes I find myself standing in the centre of empty, white rooms that I don't recognize. I find myself floating on rivers that break before eternity. Or sometimes I find myself standing and holding on to nothing. I am within galaxies formed by fourteen million pieces of wrecked dreams and amethyst moons. I am not real, I have no mass, no physical matter. I am a dream, a poem, a fairytale. I become your pain. And it becomes so easy to kill me.
Ένα άψυχο τραγούδι
Οι άνθρωποι φοβισμένοι, βουβοί. Τα πουλιά με τα ματωμένα μάτια βυθίζονται στη σιωπή. Πνιγμένες φωνές και άδεια βλέμματα. Φώτα σπασμένα, μικρά παιδιά που τριγυρίζουν χαμένα. Η σκέψη κλεισμένη σε μια άθλια φυλακή. Και ο Ιούδας στέκεται προδωμένος. Δυο χιλιάδες χρόνια πνιγμένοι σε ψέματα, δίχως διαφυγή. Τα τρένα εκτροχιασμένα. Λάθος στροφή, λάθος γραμμή. Χωρίς νερό ο ήλιος ματώνει. Ένα άψυχο τραγούδι, μια μαραμένη ελπίδα.
Ο Ζητιάνος
Θλιμμένη, μίζερη σιωπή σε ένα δωμάτιο αδειανό δίχως ζωή. Σπασμένα γυαλιά εδώ κι εκεί. Το παράθυρο ανοιχτό. Το φως ψεύτικο, αχνό. Κι απ’ έξω παραμιλάει ένας τρελός. Με μάτια μεθυσμένα από πόνο, με ρούχα κουρελιασμένα από το χρόνο. Στραβώνει τα χέρια και ζητιανεύει ένα όνειρο, χρόνια τώρα χαμένο.
It's not enough
29 September 2008
There were tears coming out of her hollow eyes. They looked unclear.
There was smoke coming out of her mouth. She said I love you. And it sounded false.
Or not enough. I have seen her eyes flash and foam formed around her ruby lips when she talked to me. I have felt her hands on my neck. Suffocating me, crushing me. Pushing me to the edge and pulling me back to her forsaken land of nightmares.
It will never be enough.
Tomorrow
29 May 2008
We are standing at the end of this indigo sky. The moon, tainted, forgets your name. I have been calling for you. I have been waiting.
I have always been waiting. Always living for tomorrow's dreams.
But tomorrow can never come.
Capture the moon
You plucked flowers, so you could touch my face. I let them float on lake waters; slowly watched them drown. Your eyes fluttered. My lips shivered. And when our glasses were empty we opened our palms, and with hungry eyes, rose to capture the moon and pocket the stars.
untitled
And there came nights and nights with moons that had no face and no voice of their own - but they sang with the sorrow of a thousand forgotten stars and exiled dreams.
And there came dreams and dreams with false promises that each dawn they were burned by the sun.
Κι ήρθανε νύχτες και νύχτες με φεγγάρια δίχως πρόσωπο, χωρίς φωνή δική τους - μα τραγουδούσαν με τη θλίψη χιλιάδων εξόριστων ονείρων. Κι ήρθανε όνειρα κι όνειρα με ψεύτικες υποσχέσεις που καίγονταν κάθε αυγή από τον ήλιο.
Τελευταίος Σταθμός
March 2008
Μαύρισαν οι ωκεανοί. Τα μάτια γεμάτα στάχτη δε βλέπουν πια τον ήλιο.
Πεθαίνει η αυριανή αυγή. Βυθίζεται στο χθες
Και στο ποτέ.
Το δηλητήριο στις φλέβες της Χιονάτης θα τη σκοτώσει και για πάντα εκείνη θα χαθεί.
Δε θα υπάρξει ανάσταση. Ο Λάζαρος θα περπατά με άδεια μάτια και σάπια ρούχα γεμάτα σκούληκια και λάσπες. Θα περπατά, μα δε θα πηγαίνει πουθενά.
A thousand shades of sorrow
March 2008
Incoherent ramblings of a madman. Cremated stars and black pearls from a broken necklace. Dreams laced with darkness, nights decorated with drops of fear and endless loneliness.
And I slip into an empty sky.
A bleak whisper and a thousand shades of sorrow.
...
I kept
Dreaming
Dreaming
& Falling
Always falling
untitled
During these starless nights
The moon looks like a dream that slowly dies
The silver shadows look like the birds of sorrow
Like runaway children with no home or safe tomorrow
Broken
December 9, 2007
I hold pieces of a broken moon in my heart. A broken soul and a million tears lost in the ocean. Pain disguised with fire. Black ink from wet pages bleeds into tomorrow. And sorrow bleeds into the sky. The white doves turn black, the nightingales suffocate. The sun forgets to rise.
And hope forever dies.
waiting
November 20, 2007
They gave her roses before they left. One for each day of waiting.
A request for faith with each one of them.
She watched them wither one by one.
She carved words with the thorns. Poems, or prayers.
Bitter
July 13, 2007
The pillows on my childhood bed smell like bitter almonds.
numb
April 24, 2007
Pink and white pills glazed with sugar
Served with wine and a prayer
Your Sunday home-cooked meal
Can you hear?
October 10, 2006
Can you hear the lullabies, dreams trapped in-between of worlds, diamonds, sand, broken mirrors and stolen stars?
Lullaby
October 4, 2006
Hush little girl, drown your last hopes
And all of your hollow dreams
No one will hear your screams.
Sleep little girl, there's nothing more for you to see.
There is no place here for you.
There never was.
Go back to sleep,
Close your eyes, I'll pray for you,
Fall deep, you won't hurt again.
Forever sleep, -and I promise- there will be no more pain.
I don't know who you are
July 29, 2006
"I don't remember it", he said. But he meant: "You are lying".
A petal for her dreams
July 27, 2006
A tear from an angel's eyes. It slipped through my hair, across my face and got lost in the rain. My reflection on dirty waters. You will never know me.
July 26, 2006
He poured the poison down my throat. We watched me fade away.
He asked: "How did it taste?"
I said: "Like strawberries".
tristesse
July 26, 2006
Blindfolded and bound, she can only use her heart to see you.
Just Echoes of what was meant to be
Just as ever it was, as the sea nymphs dreamed, as the angels have foreseen, so it will be. Snow will fall, flowers will bloom, the winds will sing. But always, always the melancholy singed melodies will reach my dreams. I dance within the silver-purple whirlwind of misted tomorrows and I cannot stop twirling behind my crystalline walls. In-between of worlds, inside a sea of light-blue diamonds. In-between of the worlds. There is no dawn here. Time stands still. And always the sorrowful echoes of the moon's tears will fill my dreams. Just as ever it was, so it shall always be.
Before a thousand storms
She stares at her mirror with her still wet dyed hair and black circles around her shadowed green eyes. Something broke.
Something so violently was ripped out of her. Stolen. She trusted you to lead her to the light and you took her stars and ripped them into
pieces in front of her eyes, laughing. Laughing. And she stared at you destroying everything that belonged to her.
And she couldn't move. She knew you could snap her into pieces with just one move. But for the most part, she couldn't believe what you were doing. She was too young to understand, too
innocent to feel your hate.
But you took care of that.
Sunsets
If you cut me, I'll bleed; bleed like the last enduring sunset bleeds into the sky. But can you touch me? I'm so afraid to
reach out, afraid to touch the roses, for every time their thorns scar my arms,
scar my soul's wings. If you don't catch me, I'll fall, fall like a dream in the
ocean of opal stalagmites of pain - or is it rain? Is it you that make me cry?
Or is it the dust fallen from stars that becomes butterflies and fly away? Away,
so far away from me. The amethyst shades of serendipity - or is it sorrow? - make me cut myself every time I reach for those crimson roses in the garden of
snow-woven stars.
Light
Let a thousand candles burn
Let a thousand flowers bloom
Let a thousand tears fall
Let a thousand stars come and dispel the gloom
when the stars were new
You can break my wings; you can drown my innocent flowers.
But you can never destroy my soul. For it was made from purity's light, when the stars were new. It was made before the world and bows not in it's mortality.
And I'll rise every time I fall.
She never really loved me.
May 4, 2006
"I'll tell you what looks good on you. I'll let you take my dreams. And I'll tell you that I love you before the final strike. And never think that I'm doing it for you. Never think that I won't kill you in the end."
untitled
April 2006
I can understand your pain.
I can't understand your hate.
Now.
Then.
I did love you.
Then.
Not now.
We didn't deserve this.
untitled
April 4, 2006
I know you love me, although you'll never admit it. And I love you, even though I'll never tell you. How stubborn we can be. How proud. How stupid. The blood that runs in your veins is like mine. And the memories that haunt me, you carry them too. You are the only one who can understand me. Not lost like me. But hurt. By those that carry in their veins the same blood we do. They believed you, not me. They accepted you, not me. But they hurt us both.
Drowning
April 3rd, 2006
Can you see how the black ink mixes with the rain?
See the tears get lost in a crimson ocean of endless pain.
A heart always waiting, always in vain.
Come now and watch the sun drowning again.
beautiful lies
April 2nd, 2006
("the sun was never intended for me" part II)
Can you comfort me? Lie to me.
Tell me the world is beautiful.
Lie to me so that I can sleep tonight.
I need the comfort of your words.
Of your lies.
For they are beautiful.
And I do need the hope.
Lost
April 2nd, 2006
There is nothing left to lose. Everything has gone away. Not taken, but gone. No hope for return.
Butterfly Dreams
April 1st, 2006
Do you remember my name? You never said it right. But you kept smiling. You reminded me of something out of child's smile. Innocence.
Sorrow
March 30, 2006
Can you handle my sorrow?
Everlasting, haunting every tomorrow?
Can you feel my burden?
The darkness in my heart?
Don't say you love me
For we shall always be apart
The sun was never intended for me
March 29, 2006
{The sun was never intended for me.}
Only in shadows I can sleep.
Can you feel my burden? I'll never be free.
Can you feel my pain? It goes too deep.
Can you comfort me? Lie to me.
We both know there is no heaven.
But we long for forgiveness.
Salvation - to be saved from the darkness.
Just lie to me
Like I lie to you everyday
For I've never seen the light
And you don't want to see the night
Inside of me
There is no hope
March 17, 2006
The flowers have withered. Dry and dead they rot under the sky of fake stars. The wind cries in agony. Tormented screams that no one hears. And a heartbeat so loud that cracks the walls. Pain so sharp that breaks the window glass. But there is no escape. The fire will burn everything. It won't stop until there are only ashes. There is no hope. No relief. Only death. And silence.
beneath an ocean of tears
February 6, 2006
Colour ruins my drawings, the sunlight hurts my eyes. I can't let go, I don't want the laughter to deafen me. It sounds so loud. So cruel. And I don't anymore know if I believe in angels. I don't need salvation. Not the songs. Just the silence. Let the rain never stop. Let it flood me beneath the ocean of tears.
I rather burn bright before the night fades
Rather than live to see all the ages of the earth
And never feel any warmth
A different sky
January 15, 2006
She belongs not in this world. She understands not her violent dreams.
The words she hears - unknown. She speaks a different language, she sees a different sky.
She paints with different colours; she walks alone.
The sun doesn't want her. It laughs at her.
Hurts her eyes every time she looks above.
She can't sing, but she whispers to the white flowers.
She can't cry, but her pain is killing her.
And no one understands her different eyes.
She belongs not in this world.
My angel of the dark, take her away, away from this world that understands not
her poems and kills her everyday.
{ΟΥΚ ΕΓΝΩΣ}
Julian, last of the Pagans said "I read, I understood, I condemned"
And the Alexandrian Poet said "Ridiculous man, had you understood, you wouldn't have condemned".
But Poet don't you see? No one has ever understood.
"Forgive" was written "kill" we read. "Love" it said "hate" we understood.
And we condemned ourselves.
Cosmos
World, we share you by day.
But by night we are lost
We dream and we are nevermore the same
And World, you are not one
But millions
Do they measure life based on death? Love with pain?
Where I grew up they count the distance based on the span of smoking a cigarette.
It's sad. It's sad that their voices get lost in the gas fumes of the city.
It's sad that no one sees anyone. No one hears anything.
It's sad that they use poison to measure their lives.
Broken
Angels, how could you let me fall?
Men, how could you shoot my wings?
Self, how could you break?
It wasn't time.
I was just learning to fly.
Now I never will.
There is a hole in the sky
January 26, 2006
I have no more words. Drowned in the mist of yesterday - I have lost everything.
My smile is fake
March 28, 2004
She paints a smile
She dries her tears
She covers her scars
She closes the eyes to her dreams,
Swallows some pills,
Takes her coat
And leaves.
Another day begins.
Fake
March 28, 2004
Empty glasses, used lipsticks
Half-burned cigarettes
Dead roses
Broken bottles
Torn letters
Crushed dreams
We all look the same
But my smile is fake
Fragments
November 16, 2003
When will you hear my calling?
When will these tears stop falling?
... all that's left is pain and tears...
just tears
just fragments of broken dreams
just faded star gleams
and pain
I'm drowning again...
Pretending
November 13, 2003
Keep on pretending...
Pretending and pretending...
That's all it matters... Hide behind a fake smile. Hide behind a lie that everyone believes.
Keep on smiling. Keep on hiding.
Everyone likes you better this way.
Freeze your tears. Freeze your heart.
Stop feeling, stop dreaming. Pretend you feel no pain. Pretend there is no rain.
Keep on pretending. Keep on dying. Slowly. Painfully.
Keep on going. And die smiling.
Even death will be a lie. For the light was lost long before.
White Dove
Ένα περιστέρι στο κρύο χώμα
Βάφονται κόκκινες οι φτερούγες του.
Ένα μισοσβημένο τσιγάρο, ένας κρότος
και σπασμένα γυαλιά.
Σπασμένα όνειρα, σπασμένοι κόσμοι.
Ο πόλεμος.
Κρύβω το πρόσωπο μου σε ένα
τριαντάφυλλο.
Τ' αγκάθια με πληγώνουν.
Γίνομαι ένα με τα κόκκινα ποτάμια.
Ένα με το πλήθος. Και φωνάζουμε όλοι.
Σφίγγω το τριαντάφυλλο. Θα πεθάνω το ξέρω.
Μα δε με νοιάζει.
Φτάνει που πρόλαβα και φώναξα: Όχι στον πόλεμο.
written in early 2001
